Many months have passed since I last put pen to paper in the form of a blog or newsletter. Over the last year, I’ve been on quite an adventure, sadly not the ‘trekking through jungles, riding white rapids, climbing mountain peaks’ kind of adventure although impenetrable jungles, raging rivers and mountains shrouded in mist are good metaphors! My absence has been due to some major personal challenges with my health. I’m not usually one to share my personal news but I wanted to let you know why I’ve been so uncharacteristically quiet.

After decades of poor health, and a more recent descent into very poor health, this year I was finally diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a seemingly rare, genetic, multi-system condition. My collagen is faulty; one of the most fundamental building blocks of my body somehow got confused and has managed to cause chaos with my entire being, reaching deeply into the intricate workings of my physical self. Being genetic, I’ve had it since birth so I’m not exactly sure why I suddenly started to deteriorate so quickly but over the last 18 months I have gone from walking with a stick to full-time crutch user to just being assessed for a wheelchair. Not quite the life I dreamed of, but it’s the life I have so I am learning to love it all the same.

Yet, I don’t feel sorry for myself, I‘m not wallowing in pain and misery, and I haven’t written this to seek sympathy or pity. Admittedly it has been the hardest year of my life, but during this time I have also discovered the true meaning and depth of friendship and the richness of love with those around me (with both family and friends), who have stood by me, stepped closer to me, made me laugh and held my hand during the long dark nights. I have turned towards my pain and dysfunctional body and learned to love myself no matter what, and I have opened up to appreciate the true fragility of life, letting go of fear on the way.

It’s a learning curve of course, but I have found ways to experience a new level of enrichment from wholeheartedly accepting the life I now have. This doesn’t mean I have given up, but I have made peace with my reality and found strength with my ‘what is’.  I’ve become more self-compassionate, I’m much kinder to myself, less critical and I’ve become my own best friend, listening to my true needs and nurturing myself on every level. 

So, although my joints might frequently dislocate and give way, that’s exactly as I’m meant to be. My autonomic nervous system may be overwhelmed and extremely confused, but that’s exactly as I’m meant to be. My heart may go flippity-floppity on a regular basis and I might pass out when upright but that’s exactly as I’m meant to be. I’m in considerable pain every second of every minute of every day, but, that’s exactly as I’m meant to be. I can’t pretend to understand the reasons why I am the way I am, but life is often inexplicable and beyond reason.

This is the reason for my absence over the last year and the reason I’ve stepped back from my work. My passion for writing and inspiring others hasn’t faded, and my journey is a constant muse and source of inspiration for me. Whilst I’ve taken a back seat from work for the time being, I have taken the time to find a new balance in my life. Authenticity and vulnerability are star players in this as being whole is not a pick ‘n’ mix variety bag where I can decide which bits to acknowledge and which bits to ignore. Hence I’ve written this newsletter as it feels right to step out into the light rather than hovering in the shadows any longer.   

Whilst it’s easy to appear whole from the safety of a keyboard, I no longer wanted to keep the door closed on my health as it has been such a profound influence in my life; I am not my ill-health but it is a part of me. My new normal is a constantly moving, ever-changing landscape that reminds me just how fragile and precious life truly is.

‘Caminante, son tus huellas el camino, y nada más; caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al anda’ – ‘Traveller, your footsteps are the path, and nothing else; traveller, there is no path, the path is made as you walk’. Antonio Machado

By walking, we make the path. Life is uncertain as it cannot be any other way; it’s always been like that, of course, it’s just that I’m personally more aware of it now. Nothing in this life lasts forever; living consciously in each and every moment has taken on a new power and meaning for me. There is no time like the present to live; don’t put life on hold, seize the moment! Don’t leave a trail of unfulfilled wants and dreams;  none of us can know what lies around the next corner, yet how many of us wait until we turn the corner hoping, praying for a better moment to live, act or be?

Life and its inexplicable twists and turns are woven into the fabric of existence. I stopped asking ‘why?’ or ‘why me?’ a long time ago and instead choose to live wholeheartedly and lovingly with my experience. My smile is a reflection of the inner balance I am now embracing and I realise that, whatever happens to me with my health, I am no longer afraid. I have always smiled; it has been a reflection of my compassion and my willingness to reach out to others. My smile speaks a thousand words and has triggered many a profound and unexpected reaction in others. These days, my smile also opens up an inner dialogue of peace and acceptance; grace and surrender. Despite my somewhat fragile physical state, I’ve carried the gift of letting go right into the depths of my soul and done the only thing I could: I let it go. I set it free without agenda or expectation, and my smile is a reflection of the peace I found in the process.

Letting go means just that: lifting up the safety bar and jumping into the free fall. I haven’t given in to my frailties and vulnerabilities; I’ve turned to face them head on and this has involved going through them, not round them. Despite the ongoing health and life challenges I face, I feel richer and more alive; life no longer feels like something to chase or ‘get’, it’s mine already. 

Letting go is something we all talk about but ‘stuff’ so often gets in the way preventing us from stepping willingly into the beautiful freefall of life. Letting go isn’t giving up, it’s opening up to life exactly as it is. Although life frequently trips us up and sees us repeating storylines, patterns and feeding beliefs that once served a positive role, it is only when we have the courage to take a long look in the mirror to see the truth of our reflection and to love ourselves anyway that we can finally embrace the art of letting go. Then we are free to take a big, deep breath of life. Life is a precious gift and it seems only right to try to savour every single moment.

Thank you for allowing me to share these words with you. I wish you a magical Christmas and a wonderful year ahead. I also wish you happiness, good health and joy, but most of all, I wish you the opportunity to breathe deeply, the courage to be authentic, and the self-belief to dance joyfully without a thought as to who might be watching...

With love,

Sarah-Jane Grace

PS - I will still be writing the monthly and yearly forecasts, inspirational musings, articles and newsletters etc, so please keep in touch!

I am a transformational life coach, spiritual counsellor, hereditary shaman, soul-focused intuitive astrologer, teacher and writer. My aim is to offer inspiration, insight, personal empowerment, healing, life guidance and spiritual advice.You are encouraged to share articles as long as copyright and contact information are always included.  Thank you for your courtesy. Sarah-Jane Grace

http://sarahjanegrace.blogspot.co.uk/

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