Crystal BLOGS 
Caroline Myss
I am not really a sentimental person but I am someone who appreciates the symbolic meaning of the events of our lives, among them our holidays and holy days. Thanksgiving is certainly among our most favorite holidays. I don’t get why people put up those huge inflated turkeys in their front yard that blow over within five days and end up looking like deflated hot air balloons, but I guess that’s just part of suburban life. (I mean, I really don’t get that. I could barely blow up balloons when I was a kid…)
Call it my last sentimental habit, however, but Thanksgiving does trigger that automatic response mechanism: What am I thankful for this year? And what I am always thankful for? (And who is it I should be thanking???)
First on my list this year are my friends and family. The older I get, the more I value the delicate and very precious gift of life. During these past two weeks, I experienced one of those horrid scares, the nightmare of a dear friend going into the hospital, into the unknown. The days of waiting to find out how bad a condition is and what then, are dark and dim, lonely and frightening. All the good times with this person flash through your mind, followed by, “This can only be just an extreme case of this or that and nothing more.” The medical intuitive in me hits the madness button, not an unfamiliar place when it comes to loved ones. I should be able to protect the ones I care for the most with the same clarity I have when it comes to strangers who ask for my help – but for some reason, I’m blocked. Or I blocked myself. I just don’t want to know what’s coming when it concerns the people I love the most. Call it the human heart in me.
Finally, the report comes in and it’s good news. A couple of surgeries and a serious upgrade in health habits and this dear friend of mine will be good to go – just in time to inspire me to say, “Thank you, God, for good friends.”
I don’t know about you, but for me, friendship is serious business. It’s an investment in time, energy, years, effort, trust, creativity – the works. And I have found that as the years go by, the less I have to give to new people, but the more I have to give to my old stand-bys. I’m not that interested in seeking out new friendships. I’m more concerned with nurturing what I’ve got. And toward that end, I made a promise to myself recently. I have had it with the excuse, “I just don’t have the time.” None of us has enough time. Life goes by and we just don’t have enough time. Years go by and we haven’t found five or ten minutes to stay in touch with friends or family members who were once very dear to us. What? Five minutes to send an email – what is easier than that? (I’m talking to myself here, by the way.)
And yet we postpone these brief moments of connection and allow time to just continue to do what it does best – roll on by. Days turn into weeks and then months and then years. As I say, I’m not sentimental but every now and again, when I have an experience that reminds me of how precious and dear a good friend is, I have to stop for a second and review my list of good friends, both those still with me and the many that I have already lost – and there have been many. And I miss them still. Life is a precious, precious gift.
So when I think of this Thanksgiving, my thoughts turn to people in my life and not to the usual list of health and abundance and whatever. My thoughts turn to the real jewels in my treasure box.
And then there is family, my other jewels. I hear family stories all the time when I am in a workshop atmosphere. And some of the stories I’ve heard through the years are wild. Without a doubt, some people were born into situations that you could not invent, even if you were high. And there is nothing you can do about that. You can’t trade your family in for the ideal mother and father, brother and sister. You have to make the best of it or go on to make the best family you can for yourself the best way you can.
But I do have some wisdom to offer those with difficult families, as those with great families don’t require any. One woman spoke with me about having a long running painful relationship with her mother, something not unusual. She longed to have her mom acknowledge her and not just for all the ordinary reasons that a child wants to be noticed by a parent. She wanted her mother to recognize that as a mother, she had neglected her because she was an alcoholic, consumed with her own needs. Her daughter was a distraction and only got in the way of her exiting the door en route to the local bar every evening. How could she be grateful for a mother like this?
She’s right. How could she be grateful? Who would be grateful for that type of mother? And yet, she could not stop herself from still wanting her mother to be her “mom.” She could not stop herself from returning to her mother’s home every now and again to see if perhaps this time, her mother was sober and would welcome her with open arms, weeping in the realization that she had so deeply wounded her beloved daughter.
I told her that such an awakening was not likely. That did not mean it could not happen. It just was not the most likely possibility on the horizon. It was far more likely that her mother would stay either an active or a dry alcoholic, drowning out the past, precisely because it was too painful for her as well as for her daughter. Yet, it was through that exact mutual keyhole of the pain they shared that she had the opportunity to recognize that her “mom” was too ashamed to embrace her for having failed her. If she could grasp that truth for even a moment, she stood a chance of letting go of her own desire to have that mythic, nurturing archetypal mom and hold this broken woman in compassion. Gratitude comes from finally handling one’s circumstances as they are rather than fighting them, which is not to say that your life does not exhaust you or come close to defeating you at times. But there comes that pristine moment of clarity when you are able to rise above all the pieces, detach, and regroup. And in that moment, you are clear, thankful to the heavens, and you know you are headed in a new life direction, never to be defeated by those same elements again. Now that’s something for which one can truly be thankful.
Families come in all varieties. We are, by design, tribal creatures. We are a species that seeks out tribes or communities wherever we go, whether family or not. Often you weave together a blend of family and friends into a wonderful tapestry of exquisite human beings from all over the world that you end up calling, “my family.” And they are just that – your family. In my case, my family has been extended to include Brits and Australians and Texans and people from my hood who have become extremely dear to me. And then there are my friends in other places, who my very dear friend, now recovering from surgery cleverly calls, “framily” – a hybrid word blending “friend” and “family”.
So all in all, I would say that this Thanksgiving has a theme of deep appreciation for family and friends. Here are my suggestions:
- Host a lovely Thanksgiving dinner. It doesn’t have to be big, but take the time to make it special, even if it’s only for three people.
- Contact five dear friends or family members you have not been in touch with and let them know they are an important part of your life. Stop waiting until a crisis happens before you wake up to the “real” values of life.
- Have a talk with yourself about how you spend your time. Are you one of those people who are constantly saying, “I don’t have enough time”? What do you do with your time and what would you rather be doing? When people tell me things like, “I’d rather be vacationing on an island or retired,” I always wonder if that’s really what they’d rather be doing – I mean, all the time??? When I see people who are retired golfing…and golfing…and golfing, all I can think of is penance. They are doing penance for something. No one can possibly want to get up each morning and do THAT again…and again or look at waves coming at you again and again. What about your brain cells??? What about creativity? Painting? Writing? Art? Music? Changing the world??? Who can possibly decide that at a certain age, they just want to “turn themselves off”? It baffles me – can you tell? I stare at these people, as if they were extraterrestrials. In fact, ET’s would not nearly confuse me as much, to be honest.
The point I was making…getting back to it…was this: Reflect on the gift of time, because “time” is your most precious commodity – the time we are given for this life. We can’t afford to not fill the time we are given as consciously as we can. Said differently, squandering the gift of time and life is a foolish choice. Though much of our time is already spoken for, given occupations and responsibilities, still that leaves us the choice of how consciously we engage in those arenas of our life. - Be thankful for the small things and the large, for the space that is filled in your life and for the space that is empty. I saw a program on astronomy in which these brilliant astronomers were discussing how “full” space really was. It is an illusion that the space in between the planets and stars and you and me is empty. It’s full and crowded and alive. What a wild and delicious thought. Seen from above, it’s filled with grace and creative potential. Live in that truth.
- Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. May God bless all of you this Thanksgiving and always.
Love,
Caroline
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Please check out my online seminar with Hay House on Medical Intuition. My third class is December 7th and the subject is Healing Long-Term Illness. I lecture for an hour and then do readings for an hour. I am conducting six classes altogether. The first and the second one are available through the Hay House Radio Website.
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© 2009 Myss.com - Caroline Myss is a New York Times best-selling author whose books include Anatomy of the Spirit, Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can, Sacred Contacts, and Entering the Castle. Defy Gravity: Healing Beyond the Bounds of Reason, will be published by Hay House in October 2009.
Listen to Caroline every week on www.HayHouseRadio.com
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