My spiritual path in recent years has been a solitary one, apart from one or two workshops and lots of selective reading. I love to read as it allows me to receive and digest information in my own time, assessing whether it resonates strongly enough to enhance my own practice and understanding.

I confess, at heart I am a bit of a lone wolf. However, last year I made a momentous decision to join a nine month online women’s journey, where we would be sharing in great depth and vulnerability. I was drawn to the authenticity, integrity and open heart of the facilitator, and I felt it was time to experience being an active part of a spiritual community again. It was a momentous decision because my previous experiences in Christian churches years before had left me with a sour taste and a definite distrust of larger groups. All too often I had seen those in authority taking advantage of more vulnerable members and disrespecting an individual’s personal relationship with the divine.

At first I was overjoyed to link up with a remarkable group of women from around the world, all beautifully different and unique but all diligently walking their chosen path. We felt the potential for something remarkable and we were taking that opportunity seriously. Women were blossoming in front of my eyes, revealing more of their gifts and inner wisdom with every day, and my heart expanded with joy and gratitude.

Then something bewildering happened as our facilitator backed away from holding this precious space and others stepped into that role, bringing with them a completely different energy. This was my worst nightmare playing out right in front of me. There was massive control, bullying and manipulation, cryptic messages of a fear-inducing nature dropped in with no clear guidance as to how we were supposed to respond. Those who questioned in any way or who began to wobble on these now very shaky foundations were asked to leave, and even forced to leave. I had powerful and unpleasant dreams about violent threats from within, an ache deep in my womb that spoke of warning…..

My old wounds around spiritual community were re-opened, and out spewed my life-long companions – self-doubt, and a fear of speaking my truth which was triggered by all kinds of ego projections. I wanted to belong, I didn’t want to be ostracised, I was frightened of the consequences if I said exactly what I felt, and I even began to question my own inner knowing and seeing. On a few occasions I expressed disagreement and concern for the way things were being handled, but it was watered down; I was playing it safe and kidding myself that it was enough. Eventually and inevitably, a brave sister did speak out fully all that I was feeling, and I’ll be forever grateful because she gave me permission to do the same. You won’t be surprised to hear that this triggered a total collapse of what had promised to be a safe and transformational container.

Do I regret any of this and my decision to take part? Absolutely not, and I see so clearly why my soul asked for this experience. In the aftermath, I’ve been able to look deeply within and see my darkest fears and hurts in all their ugly reality, to acknowledge them and to begin to love them back into wholeness. But the greatest gift has been to recognise the beauty of my own strength and power, the clarity of my inner seeing and knowing, and I will never again, in ANY circumstances, doubt or ignore or fail to speak it out. My sovereignty is sacred.

I have no wish to point the finger or play the blame game, and I hold the original facilitator and those leaders in my heart in love. They are simply wounded and imperfect human beings just like me. But I do pray that they find a way to look within and own their individual parts in this ageless drama of power and control. As for me, I am basking in the abundant blessing that I’d been hoping for all along. I’m surrounded by a group of women who have seen me at my weakest and my worst, love me no matter what, celebrate my joys and witness me in my stumbling, and encourage me with their own extraordinary light to shine a little brighter every day. The temple lives on…