The Quest for Truth and Self Knowledge

For me, the quest for truth has always been an important part of my path as a Druid. Self-knowledge is part of that quest—but it is also incredibly difficult.

How do we truly *know* who we are? We all receive constant feedback from others about how they see us. Our cultures bombard us with information about who we are *supposed* to want to be. Everything we encounter is seen through the filters of experience, cultural bias, and belief. Working out what’s real is never easy.

The Mirror of Privilege and Struggle

People who experience a lot of privilege can often have unrealistic views about their own capabilities and significance. Equally, people who struggle can suffer from a lack of self-worth. Experiences such as poverty, disability, discrimination, trauma, and lack of opportunity convince many that they have little or no worth. Most of us get a mix of feedback from which we try to make sense of who we *really* are.

Conflicting Reflections

I’ve struggled with this deeply. On the one hand, there are people who have offered feedback filled with warmth and encouragement. On the other, there are people who have tried to persuade me that I am some sort of monster. Much of my anxiety over the years has been rooted in not feeling confident that I could trust myself. How is a person supposed to know whether they are delusional—or not? Caught between radically different and incompatible stories about who I am, I’ve never felt entirely confident about any of it.

A Moment of Truth

Last week, I went through a scary medical procedure for which I needed to be sedated. Partway through, the sedation began wearing off. I had to ask for help. At this point, I was barely conscious, stripped of filters, and had almost no capacity for self-control or regulation. I was also panicking, fully aware that a full-blown panic attack was a dangerous outcome to avoid. What emerged was me expressing distress and asking for help. But alongside that, I had an overwhelming urge to express *gratitude* to the medical team taking care of me. There was no rage, cruelty, or other problem behavior—none. When I was most exposed and least able to manage myself, what came through was awkward but genuine appreciation. Maybe a bit embarrassing, sure. But I can live with that.

Knowing Myself

For me, this is a rare piece of evidence that I’m not so intrinsically awful that I can’t overcome it with effort. *Me in extremis* is apparently me oversharing my gratitude. I know this story will do nothing to persuade the people who have already decided I’m terrible. Once someone believes you are manipulative or dishonest, anything you say becomes proof of that belief. There are some fights I will never win. But what I *can* do is know for myself that at my most vulnerable, the worst thing I did was awkwardly gush with gratitude. This, in turn, raises a lot of questions for me—and opens up some difficult things I will have to work on.

(narrated by Nimue, journaled by James)

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