You will never truly know yourself or the strength of your relationships until both have been tested by adversity. ~ J.K. Rowling

When I was much younger, I naively thought relationships were always supposed to be only love and light. Did I ever get that wrong!

Spirit

Today we shall discuss a subject of great interest to many of you. And one which creates great challenges for most of you.

There is little question human relationships are a source of deep fulfillment and joy, and yet also of many opportunities for learning. As you all know, those opportunities are often as painful as they are joyful.

Adversity is a part of most relationships. Yet that does not mean you must suffer endlessly. If endless suffering is part of any of  your relationships, it’s probably time to leave them behind you.

So in this first (of several) discussion(s) on this subject, we’d like to talk about the sources of joy, and of pain in relationships. Perhaps you’ll become more keenly aware of the patterns you’ve created in your relationships.

Awareness is certainly the first step to a clearer understanding of your relationships, and your lives. The second and third steps are acceptance and allowance. But we’ll talk about those another day. Today we focus on awareness.

When we speak of relationships, most of you think of romantic partnerships. Those will be our focus today. However, the basic concepts we’re discussing apply to all relationships.

When two people come together in a romantic, sexual union, they often bring much “baggage” with them. By “baggage,” we mean all the ideas and values many of you have been fed since infancy. For example, you are incomplete until you have a partner. And so on.

The truth is you do not need each other to be whole, to be fulfilled in your lives.

And therein lies a significant source of pain in your romantic relationships. You’ve heard it said, probably many times, “Well, I can’t live with him (her), but neither can I live without her (him).

When you come to any relationship, romantic or not, from a place of need, you’re setting yourselves up for pain. Many come into a romance expecting their mates to make them complete, a whole person.

For a time, that actually seems to happen. What is really happening, though, is you are draining each other’s energies. That cannot ever create a solid foundation for a long-term relationship.

Of course, there are other reasons any relationship may not last forever. But this is generally a significant root cause of failed relationships—the draining of each other’s energies.

When you first come into a romantic union, you generally feel an excitement—a warm (perhaps even hot!) glow. You feel a deep sense of oneness with your partner. And there lies another reason romantic (or any) relationships don’t always last.

Anyone in your life to whom you are strongly attracted, and feel connected to, is, and always has been, one with you. Separation is an illusion, albeit a necessary one if you are to operate reasonably well on the planet. But when you believe so strongly in the illusion, you need a way to re-create the oneness you thought you lost. Or, perhaps, you thought you never had to begin with.

And so this need to overcome the illusion of separation often leads to what you may call, in your current culture, “co-dependent” relationships. These are simply relationships based mostly on perceived need. A need, you think, to be with one another so the other can make you whole. You desperately need each other, or so you believe.

Now let’s review this marvelous creation of yours, your romantic fantasy. Here’s this wonderful angelic being who has magically appeared in your life. “Ah,” you say, “now I can feel whole. I have my perfect partner.”

Think about that for a moment. Even if you don’t verbalize these feelings or thoughts to your “perfect mate,” he/she is still keenly aware of them. As you are aware of those same feelings your partner may be having. Do you know what a costly and heavy burden you’re putting on each other?

In effect, you’re saying, “I need you to make me whole, to make me happy. It’s your responsibility to do this for me for the rest of our lives. It’s  your responsibility to make my life work, to make me feel good.”

So, even as you begin the relationship, you are sowing the seeds of its destruction.

What’s the answer? It’s simple—go within, to that divine energy that lives within your hearts. You are individualized expressions of God. If you can feel that—really feel it—feel your love, feel your wisdom, feel your power—then you will know you are whole already.

When you know that fully, in your heart and in your gut, only then can you come to a relationship, romantic or not, and be truly and deeply fulfilled. You come together from a sense of your own wholeness. You are not two halves coming together to make a whole. You’re two wholes coming together to create as nearly a perfect union as you can know on earth.

In your wholeness, you each know you are also one with the other. You will know you are one with all humans, with all that is.

So, in this ideal (and attainable) scenario, you come together romantically not seeking wholeness and oneness. You come together to more fully express the wholeness and oneness you already have. That relationship will bring you more joy, love, and peace than you ever thought possible.

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Here is that wise and wonderful spiritual teacher, Mooji, talking about the challenges and rewards of relationships.