I’m not trying to be funny.  But when you think about it, it hasn’t been that much fun being here.  If you had any real fun, it was in spite of being here, am I right?

Growing up I struggled mightily with symptoms of anxiety, and even some depression.  My sensitivities translated into feeling that there was something very wrong with me.  In my twenties and my thirties I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to figure out what exactly was ‘wrong’ With me

What I didn’t know at the time was that I was a butterfly immersed in a tank of water.

When I did allow pure joy to bubble up it was usually pushed back down with a reprimand from mom, “Laugh today, cry tomorrow.”

She didn’t allow much sweetness either into her life.  She got caught up in playing the role foisted on her as a woman.  Straying outside that role was just too dangerous.

I had my moments of feeling that passion, through my art, my music, and through tumultuous relationships.  I had my share of adventures.  Of sweetness, and joy.  Of deep and intimate connections to people, to nature, and to myself.

Life infused me with a sense of purpose, even in times of doubt, confusion and darkness.

So, now, having gone through my awakening, and being deep into my ascension, embodied enlightenment, I can say that I am no longer invested in that reality.  And feeling detached, and feeling further and further from that reality of duality isn’t that uncomfortable anymore.

In fact, it’s beginning to feel familiar, because there was that part of me that already felt that way those many years ago.  I tried mightily to fit into that world, but never really could.

I tried to feel happy, because I looked around and thought so many others were happy.  The ones who were attractive, or had lots of money, or were talented artists or musicians or photographers, or had other worldly trappings, how could they not feel happy?

I was trying to find happiness in a world where by design it couldn’t exist.

So, to sit here and say that I feel detached, and that being detached is what contributes to my not feeling the joy I want to feel, is absolutely a misunderstanding.

Because, at least for me, I really didn’t want to be here in the first place.  I mean, as a soul, yes, I wanted to be here to be one of the new teachers of the new consciousness.  But as the human, I really wasn’t enjoying being here.

Knowing that, I can now move on and understand that the joy I seek, and that I have been experiencing, is a first-time-in-human-form type of joy, a genuine joy.  Not one manufactured by an old system of consuming.  Consuming energies from outside myself.  That wasn’t authentic joy.  Not by a long shot.

This is all new.  It’s bringing home here.  Not having to die, and then go back to an environment of pure joy.  It’s now bringing that environment here, in this body, in this lifetime.

I’m experiencing a sensual joy.  I didn’t expect that.  It’s pure, and it’s intense. It’s physical and at the same time ethereal.  It’s surrounded by a deep and compassionate and unconditional love.  From me to me.

So, I am getting real with myself, and acknowledging that what I experienced in my life, and in many lifetimes, wasn’t the true joy of my spirit.  I tried to recreate that joy in many different ways, like an actor taking many different roles.  But now I know I was just acting.

And now I know this is as real as it gets.  Inviting my soul into my body and my life, in this lifetime is as real as it gets.  No play acting, no taking on various roles, no playing the good guy or the bad guy.

No acting the martyr.  Or whatever is expected of women or of light workers, or of spiritual people.  That all goes out the door.  Because this is the real thing.

And as much fun as it has been in that old paradigm, the real fun has just begun.  Oh, I know, it’s only sporadic right now.  But, honestly, I’ll take that.  Isn’t there a saying, that an ocean of mediocre can never equal a cup of excellence?