Life delivers challenges, and we all get opportunities to try and turn difficult experiences into learning opportunities.

I don’t think anyone should feel under any pressure to make something useful out of horrible things they go through. I also don’t think it’s an especially good way to learn. What we learn from trauma is often desperate and doesn’t apply well in non-traumatic situations.

Learning and growing because there’s the space to do so is a far better experience. I’ve really been seeing this in my own life in recent months. Having the space to explore my own feelings, and the support to question my assumptions is turning out to be powerful. Much of what I’m doing at the moment involves unlearning the things I learned from traumatic experiences.

Without a doubt, it is easiest to learn and grow when there’s support to do so. Guidance makes a lot of odds. Gentle encouragement to examine my beliefs and change my thinking and behaviour have been really good. As is usually the way of it, I’m struck by how much more effective this is as a shared project than as a solitary one. Working together to support and uplift each other we can create shared space for learning and growing. When we’re able to help each other that’s empowering for everyone involved. There’s nothing like seeing someone flourish in response to what you’re sharing with them.

I know from teaching work I’ve done that criticism is not an effective tool for getting people to learn. Positive feedback is far more effective most of the time. Stretching into new possibility is a good way to grow, rather than feeling pressured to find some way of protecting yourself from some new difficulty. 

The tools we develop dealing with trauma may get us through terrible times. They enable us to survive and keep going. To heal from that means not only getting away from the harmful situation, it also means unlearning the lessons we’ve learned. You need to feel safe and secure if you are going to risk taking apart the coping mechanisms that have kept you viable. It’s a vulnerable thing to do and not something anyone can do when they feel unsafe. 

It’s good to challenge each other gently. Being asked to consider whether something is still true, and what the evidence is can be really helpful. Having feedback from others about what’s fair, reasonable and appropriate can help a person rebuild the inside of their head. When we do this work collectively, it’s easier to think about. I may have unrealistic expectations of what I am supposed to be able to do, but I’ll likely treat another person in the same situation far more kindly than I would myself. I first ran into this in a self-help group for domestic abuse survivors, and it was a powerful thing. It’s easier to think about other people, and to be compassionate towards them where you haven’t felt able to be compassionate towards yourself. When we do that for each other we can build better ways of thinking for everyone involved.

‘Tough love’ can all too easily be a cover for actual abuse. Trying to make people change and grow ‘for their own good’ can easily be a cover for bullying. It’s possible to do incredibly unkind things in the name of ‘only trying to help.’ Gentleness gets a lot more done. Most of us do not flourish in response to ‘brutal honesty’ but we do grow, learn and heal in response to radical kindness.

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