Too Nice? Here’s How to Give Without Losing Yourself

Saturday, 22 February 2025 Written by Judith Orloff MD Views: 2792

Are you “overly nice” and suffer as a result?

What I mean by this is that empaths and many caring people often burn themselves out by over-giving and don’t know when to back off. They mean well. But what’s missing is balance and knowing when to give less and replenish themselves. I’ve known people who’ve sacrificed the last molecule of their being trying to help someone who may not have wanted their help. Or they exhaust themselves by trying to fix others. So to maximize how your giving can heal others and yourself, learn to remain discerning and balanced.

Neuroscience has confirmed numerous ways that healthy giving enhances wellness. For instance, volunteering has been shown to lower stress levels, reduce depression, and lessen your aches and pains. Plus, MRI scans have demonstrated that donating to a worthy cause increases dopamine, the pleasure hormone. Contributing to a community also has been proven to enhance people’s ability to cope with addiction and bereavement.

The desire to give flows naturally from having empathy. You care. You want to help. So you offer your time, your knowledge, and your energy. (For me, time is my most valuable gift.). Perhaps you listen to a coworker going through a tough divorce or you do a load of wash for an ailing neighbor. Maybe you simply smile at a stranger.

It’s a myth that healthy giving is only unconditional or selfless. Healthy giving may also be conditional. Healthy giving comes from your heart but is also about setting boundaries in situations that warrant it and practicing self-care. One form of giving is showing someone appreciation, whether it’s for taking out the trash, filling in for you at work, or writing a moving novel. Appreciation helps people feel validated and to flourish. It can lift you out of a miserable mood so you can think, “Maybe this situation isn’t so bad after all.”

I teach my patients and the UCLA psychiatric residents I supervise, how to give wisely, sometimes a life-or-death concern. It’s a lesson in balancing and conserving energy that many of us overly nice people need to learn. You too can learn to empathize without sacrificing your own well-being. Here are some positive traits of healthy giving.

• Empathize without feeling drained
• Practice random acts of kindness
• Set healthy boundaries such as saying a positive “no”
• Prioritize self-care, rest, and alone time to replenish energy
• Feel nourished by giving
• Know your own limits
• Accept support
• Delegate responsibilities
• Allow others the dignity of their own path without interfering

To feel more energized and balanced in your giving, experiment with incorporating these traits into your life. Learning to balance empathy with self-care is a beautiful ongoing healing process.

I’m inspired by the 14th Dalai Lama’s prayer about helping others in the book “Ethics for the New Millennium” in which he seeks to be “a guide for those who have lost their way” and “a bridge for those with rivers to cross.” In our own unique styles, we can do this too.

Traits of Healthy Giving over the Holidays and Beyond

Excerpt from The Genius of Empathy (Sounds True ©2024) Judith Orloff, MD.

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