“Kindness is weak”, “Kindness is soft and flimsy”, “Kindness is for the weak”, “Nice guys finish last.”

These are common misperceptions.

The truth is that true kindness often requires strength, courage, and resilience.

In fact, what if kindness is one of the most powerful traits a person can have?

Kindness Takes Courage

Kindness can be courageous, especially when it means standing up for someone who is being mistreated. 

Courageous was the kid who chose to sit at lunch with the new boy that the cool kids were laughing it because she had empathy for how the new kid must be feeling in a new place.

To be kind while risking becoming a target yourself is a courageous act.

And it can also take courage to extend kindness to someone who has mistreated you. It’s easy to retaliate and give them back some of the same – ‘a taste of their own medicine’. 

But it takes wisdom to understand that retaliation doesn’t always solve problems; or self-control to hold back when you want to fight back, knowing that two wrongs don’t make a right; or insight and strength to reach for the idea that you don’t know what a person is going through, or has been through, that might be shaping their behaviour right now.

Wise and kind was the person who smiled and waved me on after I almost caused an accident that would have badly damaged his car. 

I was struggling at the time, fragile because I was on my way to collect my Dad to take him to a hospital appointment for treatment on an incurable brain tumor. An aggressive driver who honked his horn and swore at me – which is what I expected in that moment – would have been too much for me. It would have broken me that day.

Wise is the person who chooses to be kind because they understand that you never know what someone is dealing with.

Is kindness weak? It’s anything but.

There are people who choose kindness in moments of conflict, whose patience, words, and actions diffuse tension instead of escalating it. One might argue that it is those who perpetuate conflict, on the other hand, those who lack such wisdom, insight, or control, who fall short. Indeed, it is often the case that these are the people who proclaim that kindness is weak. After all, it is easier to belittle a skill than admit you’re lacking in it.

We’re supposed to be kind

Kindness is our nature. We’re supposed to be kind. We have ‘kind genes’. 

They’re some of the oldest in the human genome, in fact, at around 100 million years old, although their roots go back much farther. These are genes associated with our natural tendency for kindness, our inbuilt capacity to care, to feel compassion.

Our ancient ancestors learned through experience that helping each other, looking out for each other, supporting each other, was much safer than going it alone, than doing and keeping everything for yourself. 

So we evolved kind genes. These are genes that encourage kind behaviour and that also ensure that the experience of supporting each other, of helping each other, is a pleasurable one. Nature, after all, likes to provide an incentive. This is why kindness feels good and supports our mental health.

Studies show that kindness boosts happiness and is also protective against depression and anxiety. We have our ancient ancestors and the choices they made to thank for his. Part of this legacy is that kindness is also good for the heart and immune system. It relaxes our nerves, lowers blood pressure, and supports immune function.

Truly, the kind choice is the natural choice. And it’s usually the intelligent choice. Granted, it’s not always easy to choose kindness, nor is it always clear what the kind choice is.

Reaching for the thought that you don’t know what someone is dealing with can be the kind choice, as I pointed out, but if hurtful or dominating behaviour towards you is frequent then is this type of kindness still the kind choice? Probably not. 

The kind, and courageous, choice here can be to turn kindness towards yourself. To be kind to yourself and leave. Or at least set boundaries. Yes, self-kindness also sometimes requires courage, and strength.

Kindness and vulnerability

There are also times when kindness requires stepping out of your comfort zone.

A friend told me how she would sometimes give money to homeless people but was once shy about the thought of buying food for them. I was writing a book on kindness at the time and I had asked her if she ever felt that kindness takes courage.

One day, though, she asked a young homeless girl if she would like some food and, if so, what could she get for her. She returned a few minutes later with a sandwich and a cup of tea. I asked why she had felt shy about doing this before.

“What would I say?” she told me. “What if she asks me a question? I wouldn’t know what to say. I feel so guilty for having a home and a job and she is living on the streets. I feel ashamed to have so much while she has so little.” Speaking with the homeless girl was out of her comfort zone.

Some might find such a conversation easy; some might even relish the interaction. But we’re not all the same, are we? For my friend, it was a courageous, and kind, thing to do.

Kindness in the Face of Adversity

Kindness is sometimes shown in empathy and tolerance. These traits are highly important in our world. The language we use matters.

Consider historical figures like Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., or more recently, Malala Yousafzai? They embodied kindness as a form of resistance, in how they resisted.

Peaceful resistance. Non-violent resistance. This takes wisdom and courage, driven by compassion for those who are suffering, those who are excluded.

Their message is that kindness is not about avoiding conflict but approaching it with humanity.

And there’s the everyday stories of people showing kindness during disasters or challenges. Some put their own lives at risk to help total strangers because, for them, kindness is the human thing to do.

Kindness as a Strategy for Success

And there’s kindness in business. Businesses that prioritize kindness toward employees and customers tend to thrive and retain employees more easily.

After all, people want to work for organizations that genuinely care about them, where they feel safe to express their ideas, where they feel supported and respected.

Leaders who show empathy create better workplaces. Kindness in leadership is an approach that has its roots in empathy and compassion and a genuine concern for the feelings, needs, opinions, and wellbeing of others.

Kind people tend to build strong networks and develop long-term relationships.

Kindness in business is certainly not weak. It uses some of our greatest strengths and helps create some of our largest gains.

In our modern world, a kind culture is the wise way to go. But given the old and outdated ideas around kindness that many still hold, it can be challenging to implement kindness-based practices throughout an organization. So courageous is the leader who, despite this, chooses to build such a culture of kindness.

Countering Common Criticisms

Before I finish, here are a few common criticisms that I’d like to address.

Criticism: Kindness makes you a pushover.

Reality: Kindness isn’t about being a doormat; it’s about setting boundaries with compassion. It’s about making wise, intelligent choices based on an understanding that we’re all human.

Criticism: Kind people are taken advantage of.

Reality: True kindness doesn’t require reciprocity; it’s rooted in confidence and self-respect.

A Call to Strength

I hope you can see that kindness is not a sign of weakness. It’s a testament to strength. Kindness is a wise choice, an intelligent choice. It can be a courageous choice. Always, it’s the human choice.

Whether it’s in your household, a classroom, in your workplace; in your neighbourhood, on the road, in a shop; kind is the human way. 

It is not always easy. Sometimes you might feel vulnerable, sometimes shy. Sometimes you might be afraid, sometimes unsure. Sometimes you feel hurt. Sometimes it takes wisdom and insight. There are times kindness requires you to stand your ground, even push back. Sometimes, you need to take a breath and be patient, exercise tolerance. Is this weak?

Often, kindness starts with empathy, with the understanding that someone is having a tough time. But always, kindness is human. It’s one of the things that makes us most human. It’s our greatest strength.

So, let’s be human. 

Be the reason someone feels seen. 

Be the reason someone feels understood. 

Be the reason someone feels supported. 

Be the reason someone feels respected. 

Be the reason someone feels they’re not alone. 

Be the reason someone is included. 

However you go about it, be the reason someone has a better day.

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