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Which Rules You? Confidence or Fear

Which Rules You? Confidence or Fear

Recently I watched a documentary on the evolution of human nature and the dating game.  The documentary used the word “evolution” more or less sarcastically. The reason behind emanated from taking a look at what the word “authentic” truly means. It was questioned whether or not we have lost our authenticity in search of general acceptance and prestige.  Looking at it from that angle, it questioned whether or not human beings have evolved or have we lost ourselves even more.

More and more in our society we find people questioning their authenticity.  They question whether or not they should expose their core and if so, how would that be received?  Will it get them a second date? Will it help them start or keep a relationship? The more such questions rise, the more people look for answers.  Unfortunately many times we search for answers in the wrong places.  We watch programs which promote external physicality and outrage concepts of beauty.  Beauty is not something we can pin down, because who one finds attractive, someone else might not.  So what then? are we to run around confused and feeling defeated because our media  continuously influences and changes its perception of what “beauty” is?

We forget our media is more concerned with making you feel less accepting of yourself in order to make money.  The beauty industry is a multi-billion dollar “business”.  Lets not forget that word “business”.  They are there to make money and they will do whatever they can to do so.  The easiest way is to keep people on their toes, searching for physical perfection; which again is non existent as human beings have many different perceptions on what beauty is!

Physical health is important but its importance should come from the benefits it gives you; the attention you get from it should be secondary.   I am in no way a “Health Nut”; I  know there is room for improvement.  When I choose to exercise is because of how it leaves me feeling afterwards; I do what I do for me, because it makes me happy and as a result I enjoy the perks that come with it.  It makes ME feel good and as result both my partner and I end up enjoying each other better.   Through it all however, I have not forgotten the most important connection we have; our minds and souls; the physical aspect alone is not enough to fulfill a relationship.   I spend some time on my body to keep it relatively healthy but my main focus is on my mind and my soul–the rewards I get from those are far more satisfying…at the end of the day is about the balance between mind, body and soul.

Getting back to the documentary I watched….  It talked about how in this day and age more and more people are looking for the fountain of youth, spending countless hours and money on gyms , make up, Botox and surgery in order to attain a goal that by its very own definition is impossible to attain…“perfection”.

In their search for physical or spiritual perfection many people have lost their most important aspect; authenticity.

The documentary gave as example many of the seminars and books which are out there to “teach” people how to attract others.  The interesting part is the majority of those books and seminars focuses on denying your authenticity.  They teach people how to “pretend” to be confident.

According to them if you want to maintain a man’s attention you have got to be a “bitch” (pardon the French!)
You have to “play” the dating “game”.  You have to be “hard” to get.   You have to “never let him too close”…  notice the words?
No wonder more and more couples end up losing themselves.  How can you bond with someone if you have to pretend to be someone else?

There are millions of people in this world; we forget some will accept us for who we are and others won’t.  Presently we have made it our priority to be accepted for who we are not and yet inside we keep desiring to find someone who will accept us for we are.  How can we achieve this when we follow the advise of other misguided people who are also trying to get as much attention as possible in order to satisfy their false ego? We have become so disconnected from our own core that our false ego has taken over to the point where our id no longer regulates us in a protective manner.

We all want to feel loved, but it starts with loving yourself. The more you love yourself ( I am not talking about acting prude for that is just another mask) the less you will need the acceptance of others and the more you will attract those who will love you for who you are.
Imagine how freeing it would be to be loved without any masks. You could just relax and be yourself without having to worry someone will discover your “bad side”.

In essence the most authentic state; individually or within a relationship; happens when men and women embrace who they are. When they are loving and express it in whatever way fulfills their spirit–no matter how “weird’ others may find it–those who love you will value it; at the end that’s what matters!  Let me give you a quick example: Aside from preparing romantic dinners, dressing up or giving and receiving sensual massages, I like writing poetry for my partner.  I like dedicating songs among other things to him, my kids, grandparents.  I mostly do it privately; usually I sing a lot at home and like to dance and tend to make them dance with me; at other times however I like to post cute things for them on my personal Facebook page.  I am aware some of my family and friends who see my posts may misjudge them; after all I am usually quite reserved with them.  To some degree I understand that type of  reaction as many use Facebook to show the highlights of their lives and those who see it may be left feeling their lives are boring; the opposite response would be “geez get a room”.  Reality is we don’t truly know what goes on in other people’s lives, all I know is “showing off” is not my motivation.   My only motivation when I do what I do is me and my partner. I do what I do because it is part of who I am; it’s the way by which I express myself; I don’t care if others like it or not.  I don’t care if others are misinterpreting it or not. I don’t care if others find it immature or annoying. I am not in a relationship with them! It all comes down to motivation.  I didn’t get much love in life so with those very close to me, I tend to express my emotions quite freely. My motivation is for them not to ever feel as if I am taking them for granted; if your motivation is to impress the crowd then you need to re-examine your priorities.

Be yourself, do what feels good for you regardless of who says or thinks what because at the end of the day it’s about your happiness not theirs.  If anyone wants to assume or believe something else; that it is a reflection of them not you.  So what if my way of expressing my feelings is considered by others as “quirky”“immature”, “dorky” or “weird”;  it is me and that is all that matters!

When we change ourselves and pretend to be someone we are not, we change the energetic field, the energetic signature within our body.  If you are going to change that, let it be for your greatest good not because you want to please the crowd.  Keep in mind with pretending comes a lot of stress.  A lot of people spend countless energy playing games, don’t be one of them…

Look at the dating game; a lot of women spend countless energy and money on their makeup and the latest fashions.  A lot of men think they have to drive the fanciest cars and own a lot of things in order to get prestige and/or someone to love them; we forget none of this is the real us!

When we are so busy buying our lives in order to impress others, what we are truly saying is “this is all am worth”, “I have nothing else to offer you but my money, my toys, my outer shell and that is it!”   How about offering who you are at your core?  How about the precious, most beautiful gifts of all, such as your mind and your inner essence?  Your head is not there just to grow pretty hair, use your mind and be real!   You may not be perfect.  You may be wounded and full of quirks but at least you are being you!

The ability to be real, to show someone else how beautiful living by your own rules can be;  that is something no one can take nor will it change with the seasons or as you age.  All the superficial things or material objects can be nice but none of that will get you far if you only do it in order to be accepted; if you only do it in order to validate your worth.  No amount of money, fame or makeup will fill the void that is in your soul, until you choose to take the biggest journey there is; the one inside yourself!.

I started that journey years back but is not until recently that my partner and I chose to plunged in.  We don’t have all the answers, like you we are in search for them, but let me tell you something, so far it has been the most challenging yet most beautiful journey either one of us has ever embarked on–Truly worth it!

Let me finish with a quote I value and respect:
“I RATHER BE HATED FOR WHO I AM THAN TO BE LOVED FOR WHO AM NOT”


Sofia Falcone

Sofia Falcone
I passionately believe one person can make a difference. I write from my own experiences and interests. It is my greatest hope that by writing about my own challenges and hopes, others may feel inspired to believe more in their inner power and to fully embrace themselves.

Reprinted on crystalwind.ca with permission from Sofia Falcone.

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