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Master the Art of Loving

Master the Art of Loving

What does it mean to take the path of conscious femininity or masculinity?

The modern times we live in certainly do not help men or women.  On the one hand, we still find many men who out of fear love to subjugate women.  In our society, we find men who think of themselves as mature, but the obvious dissonance between what they preach and how they live is still resounding of a fragile machismo ego – diminishing women; for their belief only leads to the false conclusion that to be a good woman one must become inhibited.  And a woman who owns herself is automatically labeled as someone improper – the true essence of the person has nothing to do with it – it all comes down to control, immaturity (the desire to have a gold star given for how good the charade is presented), forgetting basic human psychology – we are complex creatures, with fears and desires and hiding these does not make us better but further from healing. 

On the other hand, society erroneously has accepted the modern definition of radical feminism on what the term equality entails, to the point that what they promote is the mental and by consequence the physical castration of males (for just like when a woman feels disconnected from her femininity, she shrivels psychologically and physically, so do men- for the psyche hold tremendous power over our bodies).  This radical approach is one not based in love or even justice, but in fear – the fear of facing one’s inner wounds…pain and anger now turned to rage, masqueraded as “seekers of justice” – but society cannot heal when the passive aggressive rule, demanding not amends but retaliation for sins imposed by past generations.   True in our era, we have so many mentally immature men, but the same goes for women – at what point do we allow ourselves to heal and gift ourselves the gift of learning to connect from the heart?

This article is based on the writings of Alejandro Jodorowsky, Delmira Agustini, Anais Nim, Aynd Rand, Pablo Neruda, Ascension Belart, and of course the master yet ever student of light and shadow…Carl Gustav Jung…

Many of us strive to learn how to love unconditionally to experience genuine love. Through the years, I’ve come to understand that mastering love is a lifelong journey.  Erich Fromm, in his book The Art of Loving, eloquently states that love is an art requiring deep-rooted care and discipline but not the discipline that nowadays people use, which is hiding their flaws, pains, traumas or anything they may feel may make them less popular or desired yet the most sublime desires arises from when we encounter people who truly are confident – confident enough on who they are, that they have no problem allowing themselves to be vulnerable, to express their needs at the risk of these being seen as not so “confident” – for society’s definition of confidence has become simply a charade of smiles, false pleasantries or at its other extreme, of ignoring what may hurt or bother us, calling such behavior as mature.  Yes as Carl Jung would say, maturity is the ability to express our light and darkness, unapologetically but also knowing the difference between “meet me halfway if you want to” vs. 

“I expect you to do all the work and become responsible for all my needs and emotions.”  Only when we dare speak but also listen with the heart, do we allow ourselves the permission to love in freedom over duty.   

Master the Art of Loving

In the words of Rainer Maria Rilke: “The love of one human being for another: this is perhaps the most difficult thing that has ever been entrusted to us. The ultimate, the supreme test, the final task before which all other tasks are but preparation.” Therefore, to love is an art, a practice, a disposition. It’s not about “finding love,” as many believe, but about learning to love.  Through the years I have come to learn more and more that is not about giving more love, but loving someone in the way they need – and not being afraid to express the way we need to be loved – only then we become capable of letting people in and be seen as we are, not for the masks we may project.  Only then, we can choose people who truly love us for us…imperfect yes, as we all are, but willing to love us in a way that allows us to expand in mind, soul and body. Years ago, I was given the best advice, which I came only to understand through the years…”To love, one must accept oneself, be authentic, and be connected, which facilitates accepting and appreciating the other as they are, not as you wish them to be.”  This doesn’t mean you “accept” all patterns of behavior; again the key is learning who and what benefits each other’s healing – what you can live with, and you can’t live with.  Not everyone is meant for you and you are not meant for everyone and that is more than ok.

“We imagine we fear not being loved, yet in truth, we fear loving and allowing ourselves to be loved. Allowing ourselves to be loved demands genuine courage to LOVE. I speak not of that clichéd “love,” the kind that kills us with constant “duty,” until we drown, stifling our growth. Nor do I mean the games of evasion, concealment, defense and attack. To love is to be willing to be challenged if the challenge aligns with our right to honor our essence first.  To love is to give oneself without assurances, to maintain an open door.  It requires us to truly trust, which means to stop walking on eggshells.  Healing love demands of us to stop pretending, and grants us the safe ground to reveal ourselves – that is intimacy”

To do all of these, we first need to have a clean heart, meaning a heart guided by a pure motivation – I do not mean pure in the Puritan sense, but in honesty and freedom- our motivation must be out of love, not fear.  In a world that has taught us everyone else comes first, we must retrain our minds and become masters of ourselves; validating ourselves, knowing what we want and what we don’t want – not because others say so, but because we exercise our autonomy to choose.  It is necessary to create a place within oneself where we allow ourselves to be loved, because we are worthy of it, even when we are still learning to love ourselves unconditionally – after all love is life long journey.

To love and be loved, it is necessary to abandon the arrogance of believing oneself to be self-sufficient in everything.  We create love, we build it –  with the right person, we are willing to be intimate, which means being radically open.  Intimacy is a beautiful dance of learning that is okay to express our needs. Just like is okay for the other to do the same, but learning to discern when it is better to remain silent and when to speak, to be timely in our requests – without hiding, denying or suppressing.  Love is the decision of wanting to know the other in-depth, day by day. Someone who knows you and accepts your limits, manias and neuroses without judging or encouraging them and vice versa; not out of lack of self-confidence or fear, but because you get one another– that is freedom.  

“What is love?”

“The absence of fear,” said the master.

“And what is it that we fear?”

“Love,” replied the master.


Sofia Falcone

Sofia Falcone
I passionately believe one person can make a difference. I write from my own experiences and interests. It is my greatest hope that by writing about my own challenges and hopes, others may feel inspired to believe more in their inner power and to fully embrace themselves.

Reprinted on crystalwind.ca with written permission from Sofia Falcone. Do Not Copy!

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