Whether it’s personal relationships, rude people, or crazy things happening in the world … we all get emotionally triggered sometimes.

We get frustrated, angry, hurt, shut down, and so on.

The question isn’t “will I ever get triggered?” … it’s “what can I do when I get triggered?” This will be a quick guide.

The first thing is to notice that you’re triggered — your nervous system is activated and you’re upset. A lot of people don’t notice. They just take action in an angry or panicky way, which doesn’t usually lead to the best outcomes. So if you can notice you’re triggered, you’ll be able to do something about it rather than being on autopilot.

Second, take a moment to pause. That might mean taking a moment to just sit still and breathe. Or if you’re in an argument with someone, take a time out for a bit. Get out of the situation if possible. If that’s not possible, then take a few deep breaths.

Third, deepen and slow the breath. This might sound obvious to some, but it’s notable that few people actually practice this when they’re triggered, because in that moment of nervous system activation, we forget. So take a moment and slow down the breath. Deepen it into the belly instead of just the upper chest (shallow breathing). This slower, deeper breathing will shift your nervous system out of fight-or-flight mode into a calmer mode.

Fourth, notice you’re caught in a narrative and probably an overreaction. You’re likely caught up in habitual thoughts about the other person, about yourself, or about the situation. “Why do they always have to do that?” and other thoughts like that. There’s nothing wrong with this narrative/thought pattern, but it’s probably an old pattern from long ago, and might not be the most helpful for you. Just realizing this is huge. It’s also good to realize that you’re likely reacting from some hurt from years past, and reacting from hurt is often an overreaction. There’s nothing wrong with overreacting when we’re hurt, but just realizing it is important.

Validate your feelings but don’t let them rule. Your feelings are your feelings — you’re not wrong for feeling them. Instead of telling yourself you shouldn’t be overreacting or you shouldn’t be upset … try acknowledging and validating your feelings. You can do that by just saying to yourself, “I’m upset. I’m hurt. And that’s OK, it makes complete sense to feel this way.” If you do that, you’ll allow your feelings to feel seen and acknowledged, and they can calm down a bit.

Find a healthy way to process your emotions and take a calmer action. Sometimes it can help to go for a walk, to vent to someone, to do some exercise to get the energy out, to scream into a pillow, or to soothe yourself. Once you’ve processed those emotions (don’t ignore them if you can), then find a calm action that will help yourself or the situation. For example, taking responsibility and apologizing can often help. Or sharing your feelings in a vulnerable way. Or speaking clearly but calmly about your boundaries. Or leaving the situation. What would be most helpful to everyone involved?

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