This is a piece from what is turning out to be the manuscript for a new book I am putting together, which I have chosen to call “Coming Home to Me.”

The writing in it does not follow a script or a particular order but simply self-reflections on the deep emotions I am going through in what now has dawned on me to be a new process of transformation. After all, we are not meant to still be stagnant.

COMING HOME TO ME

These days, I find myself adrift in an unfamiliar sea, struggling to grasp the elusive threads of my own existence. It is as though I am a stranger to my own body, a wanderer in a landscape that should be intimately familiar yet feels foreign and cold. The questions that once seemed to dance at the edge of my consciousness have become heavy and opaque, dragging me into an abyss of disorientation. It is not my declining health that pulls me into this brooding fog – though it lingers like a shadow – but rather a deeper, more haunting fear.

I fear the possibility of not having lived or truly embraced the essence of being alive. This fear is not about death, the grave, or what lies beyond. It is a more subtle terror that whispers of a half-lived life, dreams unrealized and passions untapped. My reasons for this fear are not driven by a desire to etch my name into the books of history nor to be remembered or liked by many. No, my reasons are more selfish, but they parallel those grander ambitions. My rebellion is against the sentence that was imposed upon my soul long ago by forces that looked to define and confine me through their monstrous acts. How could I fear death when they killed my soul and mind many times over – like Lazarus, for some reason I am yet to understand, life bringing me back to life…Gypsy soul, rebellious, free-spirited, haunted.

Blood rushes through my veins that refused to let me go. Blood that seems to scream “GET UP….sacred blood cannot be enslaved. We are with you, the forgotten, the ones haunted for daring to be, the ones who danced with life since birth, and the monsters of this world could not bear its light and were deceiving of its beautiful dark wisdom – but here you are. This needs to stop…this abuse, this unnecessary punishment, needs to end if we are to claim ourselves human. Rise, this world doesn't need more niceties; it needs your rebellion”. 

Through this rebellion, I wish to defy the grim expectations set before me, to offer a defiant “fuck you” to the cruelty and indifference of the world. I look to confront their congenial ugliness with a genuine smile, even when my heart is a storm of unspoken sorrows. From me longs to piece together the fragmented remnants of who I am – Humpty Dumpty – struggling to reconstruct myself amidst the chaos of existence. Is it possible to reassemble the shattered self? Who can say? All I know is that I continue striving to live in the hope of finding wholeness once more.

Yet, the mundane tasks of daily life weigh heavily upon me, their triviality becoming an overwhelming burden. I feel a profound loneliness that seeps into my very bones. I am not inclined to reach out to others to listen to their tales, for I am preoccupied with deciphering the storm that rages within me. I am engaged in a more intimate struggle….to hear my heart's quiet, persistent voice amid the tempest which is now brewing within. I am striving to return home to that sacred space where my heart lives.

In this journey, I look not just to understand but to feel—to reconnect with the essence of my being. I am trying to come back to myself, to reclaim the fragments of my soul and weave them into a tapestry of living. Despite my loved ones surrounding me, it is a solitary journey, but I undertake it with the hope that, in the end, I might find myself once more. I hope to build the home I have lo

*Photo Credit: Belfiore.

Sofia Falcone
I passionately believe one person can make a difference. I write from my own experiences and interests. It is my greatest hope that by writing about my own challenges and hopes, others may feel inspired to believe more in their inner power and to fully embrace themselves.

Reprinted on crystalwind.ca with written permission from Sofia Falcone. Do Not Copy!

Source here

Posted on CrystalWind.ca ©2024. All rights reserved. Reproduction of content is prohibited without written permission. The article's title was created by CrystalWind.ca.